Hopes and Dreams

2010 has been the most difficult year of my life thus far. It was a year of great loss, pain, grieving, and torment. 

Although I may not feel like there is much to give thanks for, I will still give my thanks for…

- Health (whatever health I have…)

- Money to spend on things I enjoy

- Clothes, food, and transportation.

- My laptop and phone that keep connected to the world around me

- What’s left of my close friends who’ve supported me during my darkest hours

- My family and their care

Thanks God. Although this year has been really really crappy, I will try my best to trust in You for everything. 

Woke up at 5:07 this morning with an immense heartache. Seems like the blades are cutting deeper today…

sigh. it is what it is I guess.

Just one of those days when I’m feeling particularly down and particularly faithless. This verse popped into my mind:

2 Timothy 2:11-13

If we died with him, 
we will also live with him;if we endure, 
we will also reign with him. 
If we disown him, 
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless, 
he remains faithful, 
for he cannot disown himself

God…I feel pretty faithless and hopeless. 

I just showered and my hair is falling out by the handfuls…

I feel like I’m swallowing glass shards everyday God…help me please my heart hurts so much.

Lord, work in me so that I may be able to continually kiss the hand that afflicts me.

Lord, teach me to be satisfied in you, to trust you completely and wait on you.

May you let the springs of life fill me deepest desires and may your grace and mercy cover my greatest hurts and fears.

The biggest reason why my relationship wasnt succesful was because Jesus was not my spring of living water. Constantly craving worth, acceptance and affection, i turned to her at every moment and it took it’s toll.

I’m sorry for taking part in ruining something that couldve been great :’(

ho tohng ah…:(

http://media.northpointministries.org/northpointministries/podcasts/npcc/Sunday_Sermons/gameplan/Part6.mp3

Thank you for giving me life today God.

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, and it may be so in the initial stages. But we do not earn anything through faith— faith brings us into the right relationship with God and gives Him His opportunity to work. Yet God frequently has to knock the bottom out of your experience as His saint to get you in direct contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, not a life of emotional enjoyment of His blessings. The beginning of your life of faith was very narrow and intense, centered around a small amount of experience that had as much emotion as faith in it, and it was full of light and sweetness. Then God withdrew His conscious blessings to teach you to “walk by faith” (2 Corinthians 5:7). And you are worth much more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight with your thrilling testimony. Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character must be proven as trustworthy in our own minds. Faith being worked out into reality must experience times of unbroken isolation. Never confuse the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, because a great deal of what we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive. Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts Him— a faith that says, “I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do.” The highest and the greatest expression of faith in the whole Bible is— “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him” (Job 13:15).